Theemuge

Hmmm. Nice structure. Awesome location. Unlimited space. Genre being residential even if its luxury.

Built approximately 15 years ago and labeled as the resident of the last regime of the Republic of Maldives was administered by approximately 300 employees.

During the Presidential Elections 2008, the candidates made false promises on a million things. Some made Theemuge a refugee camp for Tsunami victims while the others made it a University Campus.

The not so true promises make me laugh and think how grown up to be presidents are childish than I am. And more regrettably, how stupid are our beloved families and friends, when they believe every single word of the politicians say even if it’s lies or doesn’t make sense. I honestly don’t realize why the campaigns of Presidential elections were so much focused on this palace. I assume that this is mainly because of the high cost of maintenance of this palace.

Nevertheless all the talks that went along was stupid enough for any rational human being to even consider. Making it a refugee camp. Woah! I wish to be a refugee at that minute. I could take hot water Jacuzzi showers in the bath tubs and sleep in a bigger bed. Wake up to do nothing but a state paid national who enjoyed a luxury living of great food and good times with my other luxurious refugees. Pass my day filled with amusement as in garlando, badminton and swimming on freshwater. Unquestionably, this would be a dream come true even for the richest person on this state. No wonder, why Gasim Ibrahim came forward as a potential candidate for Presidential Elections 2008.

University. I ask myself again, seriously a University. Are you sure you this is not conversation about a Student residence for some university. Come on, Mr. whoever said this or whoever gave this idea. A residential palace into a university. For a place to meet the criteria as a University there has to be a lot of facilities available in the physical location and one of it is definitely not a Bath Tub with gold platted taps. Or was the foolish person or the person who was trying to fool the rest of us, meaning to say you can be at a very stressful class and relax yourself with a warm shower in the Jacuzzi.

With everything going on, quite a lot changed after the elections. The palace was vacated. Every cabinet minister had his or her gaze for this palace. Maybe, because they are looking forward to taking a freshwater swim in between meetings or maybe because they would like their secretaries to be tanning their skin off during Overtime.

Besides now that it’s vacated, my best option for it is either a luxury hotel, or luxury club house. By both means you can get hell lot of money into the financially deafening economy and give a communal benefit as well. By creating a luxury hotel, the investment is less; therefore, many heritage hotel chains will be very much fascinated in bidding the place out. This will create jobs and also an atmosphere for local tourism, especially honeymooners. My other option is to create a luxury club house. This will create a new way of socializing and spending your hours with family. Also the premium club membership will bring in revenue for this place.

That’s just my opinion. But I guess sometimes, only politicians are being heard by the nationals. Even if they say something wide of the mark, unrealistic and stupid, they tend to truly believe them. And when real things, in black and white are on table, it becomes hard for us to believe and I wonder if it is for the reason that it’s too complicated and real.

Let’s live our days in our petite cribs and see what happens to Theemuge.

The Opposite

All the small things
Together becomes enormous
All the minor confessions
Together means nothing

All the love I had for you
Slowly vanishes in thin air
All the joy we shared
slowly means more tomorrow

All the craziness that went around
I still unconsciously smile
All the stupid adorable things
I still treasure most

All the words that means so much
Too less to express myself
All the songs that made a bond
Too less to say I’m thankful for

When words weigh lesser...

I hardly write about you or him on white. It is still regrettable at the end. It still doesn’t make sense at the end. Words just can’t say how much it gave me, even with the heart breaking state of affairs. The rage, itself calms and soothes the air around me which ends up the rage being meaningless.

When people hurt you so bad, the anger in you or the pain in you bursts. For me, it bursts for a minute and then continues to be a lesson learnt. A second after, I start to appreciate and bow down over everything that was gained during the lovable days that went through. My veins become strong and have faith for me and god. When people don’t make sense, you try to find the missing part of the puzzle. Found or not, I still make my own piece and believe in you.

I might not scream out loud how much you hurt me. The reason being, deep down I thank the long years or the short days that was so perfect and flawless. I love the small things that we laughed about. I love the big things, we argued about. I love the way you hurt me.

When you say Ben Harper sang for me from you, it made my day. And when I said Brandon Boyd sang a song for you from me, it drew up a whole bright future. And when we assumed Jessica Simpson and Nick Lachey sang a song that we both are to sing, it gave me courage for the least things in life. When all the songs came down to Nic Cester and J.D singing songs that meant more powerful than any other words written. “Now I'm living in your afterglow”

If not for you, I am no one today. I salute you for making me who I am. Not selling my body over to my best friend or to my best friend’s man. Not being the cheap and disrespected lady despite the peer pressure. Not dying over unsettlements in life. Not being discouraged to walk forward and in line. I salute you for having faith in me before, during and after.

Egocentric Being

Burn like the flame,
For a cold person, too warm.
It is, so robust,
Blazes me into dust.

Yourself is a reflection,
You don’t see anything in addition.
Nothing good, inside out,
Do me rage within our sort

Thought is a lack,
When everything goes blank.
Life being impressed wrong,
You hardly feel anything.

The light for you in me,
Is darker than be help.
The magnetism in you and me,
Is rather a run away.

Something like the Mid Life Crisis

We, Maldivians go from a child to adult. The teenager and youth are stages that we don’t get across. Life pretty much stinks when you don’t get to enjoy these stages. Today, we are playful and being stupid when tomorrow we are to take immense responsibilities and liabilities. Today, we are to be fed like infants, maintained like children when tomorrow there is a million people looking over you and being dependent on you.

And we aren’t terrible at this either. We take great responsibilities and we make our ancestors pleased and proud of us. Our leaders are a very good instance of our nature, young and blooming with mass responsibilities and authority.

That’s a scenario to be proud of. However, the shocking side of it is slightly beyond it. We go from a child to an adult. Where is the fun part of life, when we live so recklessly and so carefree that we don’t have any worries or weight over our shoulders? Where are the days when we go to sleep without worrying what tomorrow might be. Where is the day when we don’t worry about the world economy or the wars around us?

This absence is brought to our senses only after we’ve lost it, when its time to regret what’s being left out. When it’s too late for you to live that life. When you are too grown up for a fun day at the beach. When you are too mature for a high day. Basically, when it’s too late. And then it becomes a crisis. The settled, responsible and the well structured life crashes down in front of your eyes. This is something like the Mid Life Crisis; only thing is that it happens when you are very young and juvenile and when it’s not your mid life.

So, I hope (if I have any further generations of me) my children will live their life stage by stage. Enjoy the fun being children, the temptation being a teenager, the excitement of being a youth and the responsiveness of being an adult. In fact I hope all of us pattern their life accordingly so that they don’t loose a million years of progressive stages, with ought to be interesting and enduring for a temporary lifetime as such.

Blueprint

Behind a great structure lies a well researched blueprint. Tiniest and fine draft of all workings and the secrets of any structure could be exposed with its blueprint. Same goes to you and me.

The origin of us, the reality, our gene and our culture lies in our blueprint. A quality blueprint with the smallest possible details being designed and the paper in which it is printed and exposed, gives us the best of a formation.

Shadows of life, natural catastrophes and the personal rage, beats the hell out of structures. However, it still stands strong even without a full building like in Rome and many places. These buildings can go on forever, with the believes of the architect, as perfect as it was in the eyes of the designer as long as we have it well understood by the people who are left here on this little piece of land, to save the great building.

Names and its instant image

Below are some names and the right away image it put into my mind as I heard the names, but later was proven wrong or not sometimes.

Nasheed – aggressive and yes, all the Nasheed’s I met are very aggressive so finally a name that goes by what it seems.

Shama – very classic and obedient but unfortunately outgoing and hip they are.

Gulshan – middle class, with descent clothing and less make up but exactly the opposite.

Ali – I know too many Ali’s to even get one thought on the name

Fira – doesn’t fit anywhere. Not physically but as in I don’t know to describe her in words. She makes me speechless and its for you to decide whether it’s a good thing or bad.

Jinah – sounds like sexy, tall, “A” class, good looking, blonde (as in dumb) and sporty. But the truth is he’s not good looking, not sexy, not tall, intelligent and not sporty at all.

Sadaf – sounds like very religious, geek, girlish and very much into literature kinda guy. But the truth is he is not a geek and not so much into literature and definitely not girlish.

Sodiq – sounds like an old dude, if not very classy but unbelievable he’s very young and got a sense of humor.

Shuaib – high class and very reserved but very ordinary and funny

Shamla – strict housewife by the book or either a career woman focusing only on one thing except she’s adorable and sweet and fits in everywhere except on a very serious scene.

Haseena – a mother who never compromises the love for the children for anything, a wife who devotes herself to the family although she in real life in a B**** who takes men for granted.

Ajfan – addicted to bad habits and strictly a social life. However, he is not addicted to bad habits but yes lives a strict social life.

(these are just random names I picked on my address book. Nothing personal against any of you. I love you all)

6 minutes of a walk through my mind

I walk out the door heading to office in a rush as always. I wonder when my mind will hush but this is just a brief rundown of my mind through the 6 minute walk from home to work.

Check your bag, and ensure if everything is in your bag. Did I leave anything back? You’ve got your mobile and keys so get going…my mind says. I am already halfway down the stairs when I start thinking, did I look the door. Did I? With a slight doubt I continue my steps towards office.

Shall I take the pavement on the east side? It’s pretty useless as I fit into the narrow pavement like thingy on west side too plus its shades over at the so narrow pavements. But I should be careful because it’s the peak lunch hours and there would be a lot of traffic. What road should I take? This one or that one. This one is better for some unknown reason. As I decided my route I ran through ongoing road works. I go back again.

And then, I walk around the road works and I see a signboard at the entry point of the road mostly targeted for vehicles. And then the thought of why the hell doesn’t they keep sign boards for people on foot. That’s so unfair. Don’t the people on foot need to know if the road is blocked and they are not suppose to take that road. That was so unfair and a waste of my time. Walk faster…walk faster…

I see a girl who betrayed my friend but not me…so my mind says, should I say hi or not. But it eased when she said hi and I smiled back at her. And I start to wonder if there might be a slight chance that I don’t even know a bit of their problem and after all she might be the innocent one.
The thoughts ran through my mind….

It is a warm day, a very very warm day. I hate it when it’s too warm. After all I wonder, is it appealing enough for me to come home for lunch when I don’t even take lunch. I should really consider this fact.

Woah!!! That’s a hot guy driving by!...He’s staring, should I do anything or ignore. Oh! Nevermind, he’ve passed by.

Wondering all the unwanted things, I get stuck in between three men who are walking on their own time in the shade as if they’ve got all the time in the world. So I kind of wondered what on earth they are thinking. Do they have the freedom of time? Do they have enough time to relaxation walk and yet earn enough to have a fine life.

Suddenly my tummy stuck my mind. I drank a whole Red Bull at home. Is it reflecting on my tummy. I should be cautious about this. I’m a girl after all.

I walk into the office and my first glance goes to the cycles parked. Ohhhh!!! He is not in! Where could he be!

That’s just 6 minutes and I wonder if my mind will get bored of me soon and stop functioning. I give it a hard time. But, deep down I want it to rest and ease down.

Rage against it all

Some of us get our rage on our partners, parents, kids and friends and even sometimes on households. But rarely know to get piss off. Nevertheless as a human being I also get my rage out. Used to be in the form of pouring tears or some alone time to cool me off.

I know people who go for a swim, listen to music, pray or even have consensual act of maturity in order to get their rage against anything and everything.

From today onwards, I am going to get my rage on these words towards everything.

Work, oh lord! I hate this more than anyone would know. Everyone thinks that I am the workaholic so addicted to the success of the day. No no no…I hate this. I hate me being the only one who never says Can’t. I always find my way through a million thorns and get these through. For this, why am I chastised for this?

Guys, oh god! I disgust it when they think they are so fine. And we all are like whores. I hate it when they think they know what’s good for us, when they have rarely in mind what is good for us. I respect them, look upon them, but only if they aren’t covered in shit to look above them and be beside them. Aaaarrrrgh!

Sleep, damn, why am I awake when I am so dying to have my beauty nap? I sleep when I don’t want to sleep. I am up when I don’t want to be awake. I see a weird dream that wants me to wake myself up but I can’t. I see a joyful dream that I want to linger into deeper sleep but hey, my phone starts buzzing.

Politics, bugs me more than an untidy room. All I hear is being a responsible youth, I am supposed to take my responsibility and go vote. But am I to sell my constitutional power of 0.01% of one parliamentary seat to a film star or drug addict. Damn, it’s a hard decision to make, so don’t pressure me on being the responsible youth when it comes to voting.

Nothing goes fine these days. I want less traffic and its more. I want you to simply back off, but you are there when I need you and even when I don’t want you. I want to cry my eyes out, but there are not any tears nor even voice to scream off. I want to be single-handedly but I rarely get that hours that I absofuckinglutely treasure most.

Not so good moments

Everyone has their own moments that some consider as freeze or escape or I don’t know (some of them has customized name for such moments). These are instants when you feel like you are left alone and there is no human like you in this world or even in you. These are flashes when you feel like running away from, hibernating from, crying loud to and escaping from.

Few nights back I had a coffee with “A” class fellows and a girl. For a moment I was in the right place with them with the feeling of belongingness, it felt so much like a comfortable sofa. The next, it was the kind of moment that you want to dash from. The only reason why I wanted to run from this pretty wonderful picture is that I feared that the rest of my life is going to be as such “A” class as I by no means want it to be.

I walk down the road, I freeze. I don’t know whether to walk ahead or stop. I don’t know whether to turn back or to run faster. Few hours ago I had a moment as such when I ran into the certain someone, who I’m not sure if I should believe in any more. This time the world around me wasn’t frozen because I feared that the rest of my life will be haunted by him. This certain moment froze because I felt so much like a looser. I was the same as 7 years ago when everything around me slowly evolved and progressed to be a better form.

I have my escape moments almost daily. When you are so screwed up and the only way you can release the tension is by tears, you want to hold that moment, breathe heavily and let go off the tension. At sleep you dream of the perfect life you always dreamt of and deep down I want to pause it and live in it not for the rest of the sleep but also to the rest of my life.

These moments are often moments, when you learn things. When these miserable, mourning and difficult moments happen, most people lose hope although I learn. However, there are a million times in every second that I wish such moments not to happen. There are a trillion times in every second that I wish if I had a dream on 6:27pm, 20th April 2009 or 05:59pm, 19th April 2009 or 10:43pm, 26th January 2009 or 10:08 am, 10th November 2008.

Stuffy!

Morning rays cast over my drapes, giving me a smile for a beautiful day. A warm shower that stirs up every single cell in my body. The smell of coffee in my room awakes every bit of me. Dressed up all smart and elegant, I am off to work.

Few seconds wasted at the door because few other people from different other houses and flats are waiting for friends, their rides or even to cross the road. Few minutes wasted being stuck at the pavement because there is a group of people passing you with kids, friends, lovers or partners. Few more minutes wasted because the zebra cross is blocked by taxis and other vehicles.

The breezy roads unexpectedly become dusty, too warm, dirty and packed. Damn…it’s too much people in here and too many wheels on here.

Sweet Fridays and Monotonous Saturdays

Instead of great times at home doing what a woman should be doing, such as laundry, cleaning and cooking, the crave inside of me, drives me to the place I should not be. I treasure it, when it’s just two of us trying to get the day going. And when we get the tiniest time, we make gold out of tick tacks.

Fridays, dull as its morning but we both paint it alive. Dead like most of the souls but there’s the loudest heartbeats bumping the world around you and me.

Is it co-incidence that we both want a break at the same time? Is it co-incidence that we both need to run into washroom at the same time? Is it co-incidence, that I love spending my time with you as much as you love to bug me around ;)

Saturday, when most of my friends and family get busy with routine rituals, paying bills, getting that extra load of work off them, I go back to work wanting to stay home and sleep all day because deep down I know we don't get that exclusivity of you and me like Fridays. In fact, we shall never go exclusive and thats why I treasure Friday as the day of the week.

Saturday, dull as its morning and myself. Dead like most of the souls and my heartbeat.
I want to run like an athlete through Saturday and start my week on Sunday. And then sleep on a Friday and sleep for 24 hrs and live the excitement of life through everyday of my week.

Societal Being

You are saying I am an extremely social being. Am I? O_o

Am I a social being? I love grabbing coffee and hanging out with friends and family but I hate Seahouse and LG sea view. I don’t like partying especially in the crappy discos in Male’ when all they do is grab the next girl’s ass, smoke and drink.

Am I a social being? I am fond of spending time with my iPod and Television. I adore lying down and letting words flow through my mind. I like texting…anything to anyone. I hate when there is too much crowd filled in a café and when too commercial and shit music is being played.

Am I a social being? I care for shopping but I don’t akin to waste my time shopping. I like picnics but not too often, not too much.

Am I a social being? I am keen on rock banding with cousins and brother. But I don’t like it to be every other day. I worship having fun but not too much fun. Sometimes, too much fun turns out to be toilet humor for me.

Am I a social being? I am devoted to birthdays but not drinking or smoking and waking up with a hangover and regrets. I love my pride to be respected. I love my soul to be accepted.

So, from a rank of 1 to 10, I would give a 4 for my socializing. I say, don’t misunderstand me just because I love spending time with you all. A cup of coffee is not even close to being communal. A movie is not even close to mingling. A picnic is not being tremendously collective. Trust me, I can’t be spotted anywhere above the grid of 5 by any chance.

Voting

When everyone around you says Go Vote or shits like Vote to Decide, Decide to Vote…I really wish to know if the youths behind this successful campaigns and the successful change understands what they are doing by ticking on a piece of paper.

Parliament elections heading our direction and everyone are on a campaign mode. The national TV and radio as well as other mediums are creating awareness for people to go vote. I wonder if such social awareness was produced prior to announcing the candidacy, for them to know what they are standing for, the vast responsibility and accountability in their hands. The candidates are from different social background, some are respectable lawyers, teachers, TV stars, athletes and gangsters. I wonder how many of them would recognize a bill on their table. How many of them would know to interpret such documents. How many of them are conscious of the circumstances around you. How many of them can actually be smart and brave enough to hold the state together when everything around them collides.

When candidates ask for your vote, ask them if they can protect you when the situation is restless. When they have the nation in their hand, what can they do? What they are so interested in? Is it the name, the privilege or the remuneration or the easy life that will bring you to? Ask them if they can host a family of 5,000, prioritizing the needs of the family before their own.

Ask all these questions because I can personally assure you 90% of the candidates are there for their own interest. The power, the prestige, the luxury lifestyle and the unjustified remuneration is what the candidates are craving for.

So, as a medium, my blog is strictly not going to promote voting. But regretting and wondering where are the potential candidates, those who are to support us, guide us, and take us in their palms when we are in chaos.

Few months from now, I wonder if the parliament will be able to protect the nation against the economic crisis. Will the parliament be able to shield the population on this volatile political atmosphere? Will the parliament be able to raise our ecological limitation to a global level? And will the parliament be able to address the major as well as the minor issues of our lives. Vote for a “YES” answer. If any of the candidates give you the solution for economic crisis, volatile political atmosphere, ecological limitation and a simple solution for a complete effortless life, you have a candidate to tick for.

Red Bull

Love the vibe it gives me. Started my day without a hint of a hangover. Dried up the snuffle that was suppose to pour down like rain. Kept me on my feet when the gravity fought against myself. Kept my blood circulating well without the vegetables and fruit. Makes me close my eyes and yet get a letter written. Fastens my urge to get through the hour without a second being wasted. Weighs strength over sleep, tiredness and exhaustion. You are my fuel, my food, my energy and my drive for the day.

Unintentional Rate of Heartbeat

Somewhat all I know is that my heartbeat started to beat just a little bit faster last night. I honestly don’t know why?

I did not do anything illegal for my heart to go boosting. I did not have an exam for me to nervous. I did not get busted to my mom for bad behavior.

Why??? Can this be a virus that I should not be having? Can I puke this off of me? Can I lie down and slow down my heartbeat? I am just very terrified of this feeling being struck on me again.

Oh God!!! Let me be in charge of my heartbeat for this moment, when I can pledge myself that I will never twist up again.

Heartbeat…that furnish me the sense of life, hitherto I do not wish to have too much of life in me. Because, that too much will make me shred into pieces, makes me loose my conscious and makes me weaker…

Heartbeat, the essence of living…I wish to have it on the smoothest flow without any unintentional rushes or unconscious pauses.

Truth

Where are the truths hidden? When you don’t know you as much you think, you keep wondering where the truth is hidden. I am about to open the jar of forbidden truths and I am wondering was it all lies or bluffs that ran through me during last couple of years or maybe even before that.

The jar… as solid as it seems. When I deem the truth and faith as it is, I keep wondering what’s inside of it. Is it the golden truth that will pitch me up? Or is it the blind truth that will part the pieces of my life to an extend where I can’t even start to bring it together. This fear had lingered the process of reincarnation of me into a better and complete person or maybe not.

When life trembles, I have faith and strength to get up and move on. But will these be taken away as I open it. Or will I be more motivated and strengthen to go forward as life will be much meaningful. This crossroad of whether to go on the adventure trip and find it, is so confusing that I don’t even know where to start looking for.

Everything that happened in the past (the way I believe it), is what has made me who I am today. I don’t want to change even if there is no future no presence or a creepy past. I want to live through this, get through this, run through this to where there are flowers even when it snows. As hard as it seems, I am single-minded to stand on my feet and be firm and sound for the days to come, rainy or sunny, with or without haven, strong or weak, with a pleasant truth or unpleasant truth.

My Book

Long time ago, when my mama and dada taught me how to read and write. And that’s when I took one big fat book of blank pages and with a pen; I started to pour everything in life into the book. Somehow, few years back, I messed up my pages with crappy words, broken English and the worst handwriting that was hardly readable for me or anyone else. My perfect book was no longer perfect. Everyone who adored reading it hated every bit of it.

So I decided I can do this again. Write a whole new book without mistakes and in perfect handwriting. I gave it a thought that why write something no one understood or even myself understood. So I took my stand, strong and steady. However, my new book seemed to be the ideal great book where the English was so wonderful and the word flow was flawless.

The new book was not only well thought-out as the best career move but also the presence that isn’t obsessed by the past. Until today when traumatized bits of my old book blew with the wind towards a rough and confusing day or bumpy and puzzling presence.

The worst is when there isn’t a way to burn off my old book or even expunge it off. Its strong and its hell lot of years to be erased. The book taught me greater and bigger lessons than ever probable. Somehow, I want to bury it, burn it, tear it off and just go through the pages of my new book when it makes sense and even sometimes music of a lifeless verve, which might never be promising in the natural cycle of life.

... Friends

I adore my friends for who they are. Childish on the outside, mature on the inside. Everyone unique as they could be. I furnish my moment in time to their wishes.

One, who so understands yet believes that I have a perfectly great life, which makes me resist talking about the things that are so screwed up. Too immature at times and don’t have the organizing skills as I do. But I be passionate about the faith that you have in yourself and all the people around you.

One, who’s so funny yet, believes in a magnetism, which makes me so comfortable changing my clothes as in full disclosure of myself. Too humorous at times, that hurts me so bad and makes me confused whether to laugh or to cry. I adore the times when we talk non stop about the truth in you and me.

One, who ignores me when I need to converse, yet believes in me inside out. Too ignorant at times, that makes me lonely even with the secret exchange of adorable gifts. I admire you being so mature and stabilize the sense of humor in you even at the crisis.

One, who I have betrayed a million times but had forever, given a shoulder to cry on. At times when the world seems drowning, I stand firm from you since the sins I entrust would have hurt you so bad. I love you for the mornings that are so depressing yet never seem miserable with your jokes and shelter beyond me.

Several more of the “ones” makes me the complete one at times when I wish to laugh, cry, suicide, and go silent, be young and sexy. So here’s a cheers to 30 years from now, when I wish to give a call to a best husband, sweetest wife, most adorable mother, most gorgeous father and the utmost friend.

The "H" Word

The H word is something or someone that’s forbidden to talk about. A curse that spreads widely upon awakening. Reasons that sum up to millions for us all to hate the H word.

It sometimes stands for Huge, Horrendous, Hopeless and Horrific…

Huh? Small…trust me; this small thing that the H word is so jealous of, was what he preferred way before H word. Also note, H word was on the scene even then, just think of the reasons why small was preferred way before H word. Small??? Again…ask it on the mirror, since H word is so small in our eyes as it is lifeless, motionless, dead, dull and deceased to us. Regrets??? Does the guy rage against H word or small??? I wonder!!!

Blame it on an unexpected text or the alcohol. H word still stinks with either a very reasonable cause or even without a cause. The rationale why we don’t talk about H word is because it is dirty, filthy and crappy shit that we don’t want to waste our precious time on even if it can be a past time to let go our stress or rage against all worries of life. H word is like a big fat heavy punching bag.

The H word did hurt us all, when it took away a precious friend from us for a few moments but it didn’t take long for our friend to come back to us for the reason that our friend’s pride was shadowed with a huge oversized H letter above and beyond our friend.

The H word is as pathetic as any other similar beings on this planet, patterning and blending to the tastes of opposite beings thinking you'll get it all including a fuck. Well...you got one but nothing more, I assume.

Damn…I hate H word so much that it makes me go speechless and lifeless every time the H word brings shame to our gene, pride and even human kind that is almost all the time.
Fuck you! Simply that’s the words H deserves. In fact the only words H be worthy of.

STAY AWAY.

I could look like the perfect lady! Trust me…I am not. Like you know, I heard on a movie or series that if you are single, having a perfect job, and balancing off a fair balance between personal life and work…you can’t be perfect. You should look into my closet. You have no idea of who I am.

Obviously I know you’ve been stalking me as much as I do. You know some things that none of the others know. So, should I assume there is a path being paved through the forests and rubbishy roads? Darling, we could be the best of friends but honestly I am asking you to stay a bit away from me. The skeletons in my closet are unbearable. It will destroy your dreams, hopes and life. Oh yes, I do care about you. I admire you as a person who is independent, artistic, funny, and mature and that’s the reason why I wish if I had flesh and blood in my closet instead of skeletons. So please stay away!!

11 minutes of a chat when I freak out and hang up, I wonder what you believe at the other end. The fact that I don’t talk about my bizarre behavior when I see you next isn’t a question for you and I wonder if you know me more than I consider. The thought of such still collides my understanding that anyone who is as perfect as you are would want to risk the just right life by any chance. So please stay away!!

When we sit beside a tree like thingy and talk for hours about nothing personal but current affairs, views of others and many more, I wonder why are we both so comfortable with this when we are from two different floors. And then the few seconds we go silent…why is my phone buzzing with a text that’s funny as hell and making me crack up. I love spending time with you but then again, my weakness to muddle up your life tiptoes me out. So please I beg of you, stay away!!

Stay away!! Push me away!! Make me puke to every move of you. Make me bored of the perfect person. Drive me away!! Please stay away!!

Blast from the Past

Chocolate Ice Cone from Scoop, A hot guy passing by on a BMX, I am trying to play music on my Discman…what else could happen on the same day. Perhaps two of my ex-boyfriends showing up at work on the same day. Yeah that happened too.

I would love to go back in time. Live the time of my life. Not worry about a chaotic past nor have any responsibility. Just for one day. Not more or less. This one day could be an ease as well a reason to look forward for today, when bigger picture is in your prime. When life is more meaningful thus far complicated.

I could laugh about the guys in uniforms and bikes. I could flirt, feel young and do dancing at the beach and not worry a second about the breath. I could laugh for no reason, break off my piggy break and go for dining with friends and not think about what’s ahead of me.

Now that all makes sense, why the school kids go laughing and having so much fun. The day has passed by for innocent fun, now I’ve got too much responsibility and a black past to deal with on my everyday life…

Every time I worry of these heavy weighs upon my shoulder I close my eyes and wish for a blast from the past even if it is two ex-boyfriends on one day :D, even if it is as confusing and unreasonable as it is. Even if life was easy, meaningless and carefree…

Cupcake!

I am a tiny little woman living in a tiny little apartment in a tiny little town. No wonder why I think precious things come in small packages. Hehehe…Just to stress on that I am proud of the Size 4s (Y), even if you think otherwise.

Cupcakes are sexiest yet the sweetest celebration sweet I know. It shows simplicity, dedication and many more. I have never been the material girl. I would sell my soul over a holiday at beach just with you instead of diamonds. I would kiss you for sharing a great song with me instead of a fancy dress. I would say yes to you if you have one hell of a fun night laughing and taking my mind off everything else instead of a flower bouquet. I would commit and be truly yours for a walk below the moonlight instead of an expensive ride. I would die for a cupcake instead of a fluffy big wedding party.

Cupcake is like yummy, smart, sweet, adorable, fun...exactly what I am looking for! Not the cheesecake thats expensive, cheesy, sour, complex and classy. And this time I hope the real deal is on my desk :$ !

Darkness vs. Luminosity

Inspiring figures walk by me, everyday…somehow I have a hard time in accepting the inspiration as motivations. Sometimes its just stupidity in my eyes that makes no sense. But there are circumstances when I believed in the dark, deep, scary, shady and the unreasonable. And times like these, perverse and the unfair becomes logical to me.

As dark as it could be. Empty, depressing, scary and endless, your life is!!! How can I still see a light that glows the path for you. Take off your shades, be determined to go through this phase which shall lead you to the beautiful garden of blooms that shall enlightened the light within you in a stronger and visible ray of light.

When ancient times haunts you back so badly, which I could be the eraser to you for a second and then the perfect artline pen to draw the finest picture for you, since I believe in you even if I highly doubt us.

You can’t be as dark as you say you are…for the reason that you changed the world around me. Made me a better person day by day. We were enjoying love like teenagers and yet being very mature like a 40 year old married couple.

You not only made the world hold its orbit for me, but for my family and friends. For your family and friends. We all had true faith in you. So someday I hope you’d live up to the dream that I know you can pursue.

I toast, to the days I had with you. For the good and the bad. For the laughs and the cries. For the sweaty walks and the boon ding dings. For the nick names and bitchy names. Cheers!
May you find the best of life in no time…amen.

RSVP...

RSVP...hmmm. Lately, that means a lot to me. :$

I feel like a teenager in high school. The charisma of a young girl in infatuation. Damn!!! I am embarrassed of me. All the flirts that go through as texts. All the professionalism shown on work…woah!!! That’s sexy and very hot!

Well…I go around from schedule to schedule to see when I will run into him at home, work and on unofficial ground. Don’t misunderstand or misinterpret me… I’m not stalking him or anything. But cluelessly, I look for reasons how I can have a glance or chat with him. Oh god this is exciting and way too embarrassing for a girl like me to admit all the small stupid things that I do.

So I should stop writing further before I start to regret anything I say…

Lifsic

Song for every footstep, every breath, every tear and every life. Somehow, my morning always starts with Clove and ends with 1984. But Kurt, Layne, Brad, Dave and many more are part of my everyday life.

When I want to be on top of the world, a song such as Rise above this calms me. When I want to cry my eyes out, a song such as time like these helps me ease the pain. But its too much love in most songs…so at the end of the day, I’d end up listening to finding myself or dig.

So music ends up being better than family, friends or love. It’s an essence of everything that gives u hope, crashes you down and even lifts you up. Thus, why not be madly in love with it. Be nuts with your iPod. So the relationship between me and my music is call lifsic.

And today I dedicate my playlist to Layne Staley…great inspiration… and I dedicate down in a hole to all of you :D

Profession

I might not be a suitable match for my age. I don’t regret it, in fact I am proud of how mature, independent and determined I am.

But surprisingly, I ran into an old friend of mine today. We used to work in the same office before when she was so passionate in being an architect and did lots of work on it. Even had optimistic dreams of pursuing higher studies and continuing to be one hell of an architect. And when everyone saw how less creative she was and how good she was at orientation, she decided that architecture is not her field and she wants to be a management professional.

As enthusiastically as anyone can be, she started to pursue her career in the management, which I’m not sure is the right choice. Couple of months later, I ran into her in one of my classes for Diploma in Marketing. I assumed that she wanted to do this course as it will help her in her management career especially she was in a firm that did business.

And today, as shocking as it was, she said she joined the field of journalism not for a sake of job but because she has been very much interested in journalism as a career. I am strongly saying to her face “that’s hell of a bluffing”. She is the same age as I am. And I am wondering if she sees herself as a passionate nurse tomorrow.

I do respect her in one way. For trying out the challenges. But hey, this is 21st century when you can look your options virtually rather than try one by one every year. If this goes on for her, she would be 40 when she would have chosen a career that she is truly inspired by, by then its too late.

So here’s my conclusion; if you are teachers, keep your students informed as much, if you are parents, keep your children’s eye open for opportunities in the public. And as a social being, is more open minded and let lives begin early, so you can get enough time to crash with hell lot of money and one big family and a past to treasure with.

Decisions

Winks, sparkling stares, status, materials, attire and all the manly gestures are simply not enough for us girls to decide the right decisions in life. Nonetheless, most of us had made mistakes believing the above is all it matters. Personality clashes, the weakness to be you, communication, maturity and many more happen beyond the attraction.

So, after all picking you seems like the hardest decision. Or am I exaggerating? Excel sheets evaluating, comparing and showing a very numerical explanation doesn’t still seem right. So, being a professional and an academic still isn’t working.

Therefore, as I advice any of you or even myself… go according to the flow. Let it come to you. Don’t even play hard to get. Just be yourself and let faith decide.

Hmmm…that’s a relief. Not writing this all…but believing the flow of life. Believing everything bad that happened (by bad here, I mean anything bad you can imagine), had flowed in its faith mainly because it makes you the imperfect yet the strong, brave and mature person who we are today. It’s such a liberation that having the strength to stand up on your feet when your bones are weak, having the smile of hope when it’s cloudy as hell and breathing every breath like there’s one big sigh next!